Rated PG-18 - Trojan
Dedicated to Don LaFontaine (1940 - 2008)
In a world... where...
If there's one thing the NES did better than anything, it was the sidescrolling action game. These sidescrollers were often 8-bit conversions of arcade action titles, and while the initial goal appeared to be creating an 8-bit game with a similar feel to the original, sometimes the NES versions were actually more enjoyable than their arcade counterparts. The sidescrollers of the time were the total package in terms of frustration, colorful and engaging graphics, catchy tunes, and storylines that would make even Edgar Allen Poe puke in shock and opium withdrawal. The developers made so many of these types of games in the mid to late '80s alone that it's difficult to isolate one in particular that illustrates what the sidescroller is all about. But the closest thing to a definitive sidescroller has to be Trojan for the NES. In fact, it's probably the best "starter game" for getting used to the genre, if for no other reason than getting used to different control schemes will prepare you for any gameplay adjustments.
Enemies attack with knives, maces, and condoms full of AIDS
Developed and released by Capcom in 1986, Trojan is a gripping story of forbidden love, betrayal, and violent gay sex. In a post-apocalyptic future, the world's heterosexual population has been all but wiped out or forced to hide underground. It is believed that all ethnic minorities and women of all races have been exterminated or died of AIDS. Cars can be seen in the background, left a heap of junk after economic troubles forced the fuel economy to transition from oil to the beverage, Sobe. Once people decided they would rather just not drive anymore with that choice, instead opting to stay at home and fuck, productivity and monetary value fell even further. With heterosexuals needing to spend their limited income on their children, the gays took a stranglehold on the military, economy and science, and refused to rent out their renovated homes to women and blacks in particular. Gym memberships exploded. Tanning became the new baseball. Boy's Town soon took over all of Chicago. Soon, one man... one gigantic, gay man... tanned and chiseled, and skilled in the arts of gay love, won the affections of the remaining populace through control of the world's condom monopoly, Trojan. This man, whose real name remained a mystery, called himself "Achilles" and recruited strong, strapping lads similar to himself to compete in the HomOlympics of 2026. His team proved dominant over all other types of gays, and the skinny, effeminate Square Enix types proved too frail and weak to survive. This dominance over all other countries made Achilles known as the new leader of the free gay world, and his iron penis would rule over all and destroy any who dared stand in his way. However, there was word going around that a prophecy had been fulfilled, that twins were born in the final known artificial birthing process, and that one would grow up to follow the forbidden "straight path." The events following this story would come to be told through the game itself.
Trojan takes you through six levels of constant combat, from the run-down streets of what looks to be Cleveland or New Jersey, to the final showdown in Achilles' goth nightclub in Chicago's Wrigleyville. You can play up to two players alternating lives, or engage in a series of hardcore, one-on-one, sweaty, man-filled swordfights. You're well-suited to fuck up everybody from the very beginning, with controls featuring a fast and furious sword hack attack and a shield that can block in every direction except straight down. Unfortunately for you, most of the enemies can attack that exact spot on your body, and even the very weakest early foot soldiers swing a heavy mace that can't be blocked. In fact, the game gets you prepared for the worst-case scenarios so early on that you'll pick up survival strategies right away or get killed in seconds. Guys will just start throwing shit at you, and the AIDS-filled condoms mentioned earlier will make your character get so disgusted upon blocking that he'll throw his sword and shield away and you can just start punch and kicking motherfuckers in the throat. One commonly mentioned feature is the use of the "UP" directional controls for jumping. While this might seem vastly different and uncomfortable when compared to other sidescrollers, it's really an added comfort for fans of fighting games, since it allows easy transition to other movements in mid-air. All of the combined gameplay elements create one of the most unique learning curves in any game ever. This game is such that, once you figure out how to finally make it to the end and win, you can probably do it again within minutes.
Trojan threatens Trojan with a sharp dildo. Trojan, naturally, is in awe.
Trojan is full of impressive graphics for the NES, including a wide variety of creatively-designed enemies, bosses, and interactive stages. Non-heterosexual Injuns throw tomahawks at you, bombs roll in your direction, and bosses sometimes even come bursting out of walls in dramatic flair. As an addition to the arcade original, the NES version contains many hidden items and passages for you to power up and become a total gay-basher, so once you're used to the gameplay, it becomes much easier than the arcade version. You can sometimes speed up, jump really high straight in the air, and get up to three times as powerful as in the beginning, making a skilled player's boss fights as easy as a gay barfly looking to score some heroin. This really comes in handy when put in combination with going unarmed, and the fights with Trojan, usually the most technically daunting, become a one-second demo of kicking motherfuckers in the throat. The music tracks fit the stages perfectly, and they're just long enough to play through the stages before killing everyone in your path in the name of proper heterosexual relations should any females remain alive.
Trojan is short and sweet, and anyone who considers themselves pure and righteous should do the right thing and kill in the name of unprotected sex with sluts. You'll never appreciate those Maury paternity tests more than after playing this game. Go find it.
The only way to carry a sword that badass is to have pecs the size of your head.