NES Games That Could Have Been vol. 3
In the continuation of this series, Psycho Gorilla takes a look at an alternate, Biff Tannen kind of NES game run through the magic of hasty work in Photoshop for cart impressions, with occasional matching 8-bit theme music submitted by Peachy. Each new installment will feature three games that could have been, whether they should have ever come into creation or not. Each will be discussed briefly on original concept, potential content, strength of gameplay, and possible ROM hack ideas that could very well lead to a forbidden Dr. Frank N. Stein ambition that, with a little repro work to support them, might just bring these into existence after all. Don't say I didn't warn you.
THIS WEEK'S INDUCTIONS
Original Concept: Patrick Swayze's apology to all American males for Dirty Dancing, featuring legendary cooler Dalton breaking fucking kneecaps, tearing out throats, and mad humping trashy blondes. Perhaps the most manly movie ever made to this day.
Potential Content: The movie itself is about as close to the pace of an NES game as you'll ever see. Lots of room for cutscenes, bonus rounds consisting of sex, firing sleazy Double Deuce employees and more sex, and more weapons fighting than even the best beat 'em ups.
Strength of Gameplay: Very high. Dalton and Wade Garrett are the allies that Mayor Mike Haggar and the Double Dragons only wish they had. Terry Funk as a bonus character would only strengthen the replay value further. The only limitation would be Dalton himself, who you'd think would be bigger.
Possible ROM Hack Ideas: River City Ransom, Double Dragon, every beat 'em up ever made.
GLEAMING THE CUBE
Original Concept: Brian Kelly rides a skateboard with a young, skinny(er) Tony Hawk and friends to avenge the death of his adopted Vietnamese brother to '80s results, while his bald, corporate father wishes he never had him and Steven Bauer busts his balls instead of fucking women with their clothes on like in every other movie he's in.
Potential Content: Whether searching for clues (on a skateboard), running away from evil California gooks (on a skateboard) or engaging in a high speed car chase (on a skateboard), there's enough variety to keep gameplay interesting the entire time.
Strength of Gameplay: High. The extreme left turns the plot takes over and over will make for lots of varying gameplay elements, and the Tony Hawk appearances mean instant money in the bank for would-be developers.
Potential ROM Hack Ideas: Skate or Die!, Rollergames, Thrilla's Surfari.
MURDER, SHE WROTE
Original Concept: Jessica Fletcher uses her writing skills, magical typewriter and elderly immortality to solve murder mysteries perpetrated by every actor to appear on television in between screaming at children to "GET OFF MY LAWN YOU KIDS!" Even more boring than it sounds. MakesMatlock look like Hunter.
Potential Content: Typing, searching, and the occasional desperate escape. Plot twists abound as she reveals that the 30-something rich lady with the British accent poisoned her 90-year-old husband for his inheritance so she could resume her steamy love affair with a 30-something rich guy with a British accent.
Strength of Gameplay: Low. Even with some gratuitous and inappropriate action thrown in, like maybe a section where you have to ride a motorcycle over a broken bridge with piranha jumping out at you, solving murder mysteries would get old quick. On the other hand, they've got something going if they ever decide to make this into a modern nonstop CGI Quick Time Event style of game.
Possible ROM Hack Ideas: Shadowgate, Maniac Mansion, Dragon Warrior.